Introspection and its Malcontents...aka those who can't teach, teach gym

Alright, per specific personal request from JJJ himself*, I humbly present the Definitive - read: right - Answers to The Questions.

[No points for originality if you were guessing Allen Iverson or Fortywhatever.]

And yes, You Are Welcome. It was wrong of me to keep them from you in the first place. I see that now. Thanks Trip for setting me straight.

1. What is the biggest mistake people make at a NL table?
Mostly I see an over-reliance on Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle when deciding whether to push pre-flop. Simply because you don't look at your hole cards before you call "All-In" does not, it turns out, guarantee you can then simply will them out of the agreed upon Superposition of States to the more desirable, but far harder to conjure, Imposition of Aces. I see rookie and expert make this mistake at least once a tourney, and it's well known that at Bellagio last year, Phil Gordon was seen trying to rend his eyes from their sockets for making just this mis-assumption. The trick, however tedious, is to remain strictly Newtonian in your outlook - or at worst Relativistic - and to shy away from the sexier tenets of your Neils Bohrs and Max Plancks. Good Poker is firmly in the realm of classical physics. Any 5 year old knows that.

2. What is the biggest mistake people make at a Limit table?
Well, I'll leave aside the old saw about "just sitting down to play limit hold'em". Assume you did sit down - and that assumption clearly just made an ass out of u and me (which on a related note is why I never assume anything: at worst I will assu, ensuring that if things do go tits up, I have only made an ass out of u. A +EV discovery if ever one was made.)

I'm sorry - what was the question?

3. Why do you play poker?
If that's supposed to be your passive-aggressive way of telling me you think I have a gambling problem - for the last time, "Go fuck yourself!" And I didn't sleep with your cousin on President's Day either, Helen. You can accuse me all you like, but I will never admit it. You hear me?! NE-VAH!!! God!!! How did I get stuck in this love-less husk of a life. Oh wait! I remember: I thought, "she looks like she'd be a good lay!" SLAM.

4. If you weren't playing poker, what would you be doing?
I know everyone thinks I'm going to say male-whoring - ya know, the whole "stick to your strengths" thing - but that's just not the case. Male-whoring has turned out to have very poor margins. All other things being equal - I guess I'd become the new host of Celebrity Poker Meltdown.

5. What is your favorite poker book and why?
You might expect me to say Tao of Poker, since I finished it last week. Or Theory of Poker which I finished this morning. But neither actually. Tao has a very odd square-like shape, and as a red-blooded Canadian man I prefer my books rectangular-like, thank you very much. As for Theory of Poker, the cover is hideous - looks like it was designed by a badger coming down off some very iffy mescaline. Worse still is the odd idea that you do poorly if you play your cards differently than you would if you could see your opponents' hole cards. There's nothing fundamental about that. Mental, yes. Fundamental? Nope. The only way you could see your opponents hole cards would be to have a buddy at ESPN or the Travel Channel hook you up with "cable". That's clearly only going to work at a TV table, Einstein.

mmmmmmm......On further thought I want to take Relativistic Physics off the table from answer one. Stick to Isaac baby. Isaac is money. Pure Money...

6. Who is your favorite poker player and why?
You are looking at him. He good enough, he's smart enough, and God DAMN the beeatches just loves him something fierce.

Oh you meant pro? Phil Ivey of course. He's looking for his wallet you know. Which wallet is his you ask? It's the one that says Bad MotherFucker on it...Yeah, there's mah Bad MotherFucker...

7. Which poker player do you dislike the most and why?
Well if I could figure out how to scientifically calculate which was a bigger douchebag (I'm pretty sure the units will be cubic meters, with apologies to my American friends) I could filter through Matusow, Sheikhan [rumors that those two have made a toe-sucking porno together remain quite odious and hard to remove from your brain once inside - but basically unverified] and of course Wes' favorite posterboy. As it is, I say take your pick. Axe, that is, and then run one through. Together, we'd make short work of it...

8. Do your coworkers know about your blog?
A few - but they comprise a loyal cadre of paid assassins I use to make problems like the one The Bracelet had Go Away. Bobby, you should have asked...I'd have been happy to help.

And now a quick 2 cents on that mess. I've posted my opinion on a couple of comments, but what the hell, this is my real estate: Yeah, I guess your employer can be a total dick about things when they feel their image is being tarnished by association. But seriously...didn't that reek of some mid-level manager out to screw someone over as part of a personal agenda? Sure, we only heard one side, but the whole thing's nuts. As a doc, I interact with reps all the time: if even one of mine in the last 8 years had been cool enough to snag a shot with Ava Fabian at the Mansion(Good God just think about that for a second - that's like pulling a reverse Hoy on Phil Hellmuth, being way behind on the flop, but sucking out on the river - ie. a great reason to believe in the Divine ), he'd have become my new best friend! Whatever company that is, they should change their motto to Tools 'R Us.

9. What is the most you have won in a cash game or MTT (both live and online)?
Oh, what...you guys actually keep track of that stuff? Interesting... must make a note somewhere ...try...keeping...records...moron....

10. What is the most you have lost in a cash game or in one day total (both live and online)?
10 goto 9 [I adore my 64, my Commodore 64]

11. Who was your first poker blog read?
Tao of Poker - and on that note, has anyone noticed that the website and the book are radically different? One's full of whores, pimps, drugs and violence - often all on the same page. Now that's how you teach someone poker! The other is a square-shaped book [see above for further clarification] written by a guy we need to get laid. Seriously. It's the right thing to do. Before he tells us how 'her' breasts felt like sandbags...

12. What satisfies you more, your aces holding up for a big pot or a bluff working for a big pot?
Strange as it sounds, I refuse to play Aces. I used to play them all the time, with varying degrees of success, but then I started reading poker blogs and have since become convinced that they are biblically cursed to a fate worse than cracking. However, waste not want not, and in that spirit I invented The Iak (pronounced Ike) which is to muck your Aces face up, while smiling and noting, "Don't need 'em...". Can't overstate how badly this really fucks people's shit up. The chatbox is reeling for a good 5 hands after it happens. Yes, on its face the move itself seems -EV, but I would refer you to the Hoy as another example of a truly can't lose mindfuck. What hand, after all would you put someone on who reraises you your whole stack, if the same villain is willing to muck AA? What hand indeed, my friends, what hand indeed...

I take a similar tack with bluffing and announce to the table, "I am going to reraise on a bluff for villain's entire stack". Those exact words, every single time I bluff. If you thought villain was having a rough time speaking my language before, a couple rounds of this kind of rope-a-dope and he's crying for mommeee.

Yeah, it usually costs me a couple of buy-ins to really pull these off, but its all about Table Image, baby. Table Image...

13. Why do you blog?
Mostly for the free booze and easy chicks...what? what exactly do you mean, "happily married with 3 kids"? Fine...I grudgingly concede the point, just as long the "free beers with posts" thing is still true. Which reminds me, "When are you people going to start sending me beer?" It's been a month - still nothing.

14. Do you read blogs from an RSS reader like bloglines or do you visit each blog?
RSS is the work of the devil. Bloglines spelled backwards and with only slightly different letters gives you Beelzebublines. These tools were designed to remove the personal human contact we bloggers so desperately crave. Of course, in "these tools", I guess you could include the entire computer too...

15. Would you rather play poker for a living than do what you currently do for a living?
Tough call...saving lives can be rewarding, but it don't get you a table at Tao, Friday 9pm.

16. Do you wear a tin foil hat on occasion?
Only as a marital aid. It's been 7 years - it's all about the costumes.

17. If you had to pin it down to one specific trait, what does a great poker player have (or do) that separates them from an average player?
Great question. The one uniform trait I see, and I mean speaking top to bottom of the world's very best is that they (to paraphrase Cliff Clavin) are not me. Nor are any of them in my kitchen. Who says Final Jeopardy is hard?

18. Is Drizz the coolest person on the planet for naming his baby Vegas?
Yeah, I was really grooving on Dakota Fanning's parents for a while, but 'Vegas' does take it up a notch. Having been part of three kid namings, I agree Mrs. Drizz gets most of the credit for letting him though.

19. What is your primary poker goal and are you close to accomplishing it?
Well I used to have goals, but having immersed myself in an aforementioned queer-as-folk square-shaped book, I have since simply become at one with the game, and seek only to "know and not be knowing". In other words I want to know how much money I could win playing pokah, and not be knowing how much I have already said goodbye to. If I achieve this ultimate Piscean Duality, my game will be complete - with or without a matching HUD and well earned smiley-face.

20. What is your primary online site and why?
Pokerstars, also known by some as FuckingFuckPokerFuckinStarsIhateyouyouMotherFuckinPokerstars and hope you die.
Or something like that...I may have missed a fuck. No exclusive loyalty here, more brand laziness lately, but am probably going to try Full Tilt very soon. Why? Cause everybody says its the Shiznit - that's why.

21. What site do you dislike and why?
Sites are like ex-girlfriends: best not to badmouth them too vocally; they might just get the upgrade [ie. their breasts done] and then where are you? uh-huh - screwed (or not, depending on how you look at it).


And there you have it. Let's be clear: These Remain the Definitive Answers for all intents and purposes. Yes, obviously for marking purposes, but not restricted solely to that purpose. Character assassination for example, is still a viable use of the Definitive Answers. Toilet paper could be another if you own a printer and can get a roll of Cotonelle to feed correctly. Your call.


* He was drunk, naturally - quite a mean drunk too most would agree - and was threateningly waving a machete of some foreign make. I asked as to my offense, and he replied, "Once more into the breach, dear friend..." To which I replied, "My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun..." Well he cut off my left nut right there with one swell foop. And as I lay dying, through the sound and fury I heard him whisper, "Everyone completes the Questions..." before he stole away into the murderous dark. Yes it happened just like that, shortly after last week's Mookie.