Indoctrinating the Masses...aka The Hoy goes Mainstream...aka a hand history without any hands

Welcome back, Insomniacs and High Plains Drifters alike.

Before I get started, let me thank my buddy Thirsty from Koreanpoker for helping me with my blog. As it happens, I picked the easiest layout I could, and even then I had no clue. From one expat (I'm a Canuck from Toronto) to another, 'Much obliged'.

Now as far as I see it, I'm providing more content today than I need to, or than any of you might want. I might even be flooding the market, but something just happened playing an SNG on 'Stars that I have to share. Yes I know, I have done absolutely nothing for 4 days but surf blogs, play poker till the crack of dawn, and ramble on in this space. But this time I have something historic to tell you about.

The Hoy (the move, not the HammerPlayer) just went mainstream.

For the unitiated (and how you could have gotten to this blog without knowing Hoyazo's I have no idea), the Hoy is when you all-in minus 1 chip, to let you chat the beeatches all you want, and potentially dump humiliations galore on them as you rag on them down to the river. Still in its infancy, it has become my go-to move of choice to loosen up a tight table by convincing them I am a maniac - which even money would say is the case anyway. Plus, the Stickin' it to the Man mentality (in this case, 'Stars) it embodies is hard to argue with. Don't know what it is about my sense of humor that is so enamored of the Hoy, but I have literally laughed out loud at the tiltage it inspires. To date I have pullled the Hoy 5 times in SNG play, with it blowing up in my face 2/3 times - but even then tilting the guys who called! So far, having watched those matches till completion, no person to survive a Hoy has gone on to actually win an SNG. As a physician, my guess is that the stress of getting Hoy'ed acts to undermine deep seated neurochemical imbalances lying dormant in the limbic region. To be more specific, The Hoy is kind of like a kick in your limbic region's junk. Which just can't be good for you...

And, yeah I know what you're thinking: Bankroll/Poker Fundamentals - not so clear on. Current Hoyage Deployment - All over that shit! To which I say, "ya gotta start somewhere."

Thus, in my own limited way, I have become the Paul of Tarsus of the Hoy.

And today I converted my first Gentile.

Now there is only one master of the screenshot, and it is not I. Although I had presence of mind to record the fucker, I forgot to paste the historic moment before I went for another shot. This unforgivable gaffe was roundly repented with forty swats of the Discipline (Fig A), and by tightening my Cilice (Fig B) until my right nut looked like a pomegranate.

Fig A


Fig B



To make up for it, I requested a tournament history from Stars and have painstakingly tried to recreate the moment for posterity. Now I know everyone loves hand histories in the same enabling way we all love tales which end with the teller getting drowned at the river when they were way ahead just prior. Nonetheless I made the executive decision to excise all the actual cardplay from this transcript and focus your attention on what really mattered. History in the Making.

You are welcome.

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The following is the (slightly) edited transcript of the 20+2, 9 player SNG I played in this afternoon. Commentary in italics.

Transcript for tournament #25017608 requested by Iakaris
(iakaris@sbcglobal.net)
*********** # 60 **************
PokerStars Game #4986227169: Tournament #25017608, $20+$2 Hold'em No
Limit - Level VI (100/200) - 2006/05/19 - 16:47:48 (ET)
Table '25017608 1' 9-max Seat #9 is the button
Seat 2: SDotWrx (2915 in chips)
Seat 7: abweber (1650 in chips)
Seat 9: Iakaris (8935 in chips)

[the above only included to verify for the sceptical that this game actually happened and was not a product of me huffing my printer cartridge while my wife was at work and the kids were with the nanny...and of course to show that I was rocking the felt strong this afternoon...C-town Reprahzentin! - insert involuntary shudder here - ]

abweber said, "hey Iak, hurry up and double me up"
Iakaris said, "sounds good..."
abweber said, "two double ups and i'm right there"
Iakaris said, " I'm gonna be breaking out a move I call the Hoyazo soon" In retrospect, I shouldn't have come off like it was my move, but I wanted a teaser out there to set the table...
abweber said, "what is the hoyazo? " Bingo...abweber, who in addition to SDotWrx, turned out to be a totally cool guy, demonstrates a keen and penetrating mind by inquiring further about this mysterious new poker tool...table successfully set

*********** # 61 **************
Iakaris said, "everyone will be doing it soon... " yeah, a little schmaltzy of me to resort to peer pressure, but having studied Early Christianity extensively, I know for a fact that this is how you convert people and spread a religion....well that and lighting all the witches in the town on fire...

*********** # 63 **************
Iakaris said, "not my idea, but brilliant... " Ya see, I'm not a plagiarist after all. BigUps to the HammerPlayer to follow...I am noting in retrospect that I still manage to pay appropriate homage to my own intellect with that line...

*********** # 64 **************
Iakaris said, "its the all-in minus one chip...so you can continue to
harangue the table with annoying chat" I hadn't planned out my blurb ahead of time so my explanation is far less elegant than the Hoy itself, but it succeeded in advancing the dialogue...

*********** # 65 **************
This hand abweber raises preflop and then goes all-in (perhaps for the last time in his life...) post-flop. I fold my rags that I shouldn’t have called with.
Iakaris said, "nh, though you lose style points for not hoyazoing me"
abweber said, "preflop you mean?"
Iakaris said, "no, the all-in. shouldve been 534 not 535"
abweber said, "i see"
abweber said, "good point" You are reading a mind being stretched to a new dimension. Like a vagina, we all know it will never return to its original size without corrective surgery...
Iakaris said, "it gets around Stars killing the chat during the all-in"
Iakaris said, "brilliant and hilarious" does everyone else grok the Hoy as totally as I do? don't know, don't really care - you're talking to a missionary brotha! (an aside: why does everyone on Stars always assume I'm black the minute I use the phrase 'brotha'? Hasn't anyone seen School of Rock?)
Iakaris said, "the originator is a blogger" To the great credit of both of my opponents, neither made me explain what a blog was, so you betcha I was thanking God for that small mercy...

*********** # 67 **************
Iakaris said, "http://hoyazo.blogspot.com"
Iakaris said, "you will seriously laugh your *** off reading his stuff" No need to thank me for the enormous spike in traffic today Hoy, just doing my job as Defender of the Faith...

*********** # 74 **************
PokerStars Game #4986298916: Tournament #25017608, $20+$2 Hold'em No
Limit - Level VI (100/200) - 2006/05/19 - 16:55:47 (ET)
Table '25017608 1' 9-max Seat #7 is the button
Seat 2: SDotWrx (4630 in chips)
Seat 7: abweber (685 in chips)
Seat 9: Iakaris (8185 in chips)

abweber said, "this is for you Iak" you note the positvely Jedi/Paduan relationship has been brought all the way home...well all the way minus 1...
abweber: raises 484 to 684
Iakaris said, "okay i saved it for posterity...i'll send it to hoy today" not entirely true, but at the time I meant it...for all I know, Hoyazo thinks I'm totally fucking nuts for running with the Hoy as hard as I have...
Iakaris: folds
SDotWrx: calls 484
Iakaris said, "check his blog...you may find this screenshot there" About thirty seconds before I delete the Rosetta Stone of Hoyazos for good...
SDotWrx: checks
abweber: bets 1 and is all-in I know, I know...rookie move! I don't know why he did this...I blame myself for not cutting and pasting Hoy's whole post on The Hoy in the chatbox last hand...alas, "man's reach must exceed its grasp - else what's a Heaven for?"
SDotWrx: calls 1
Showdown: abweber collected 1470 from pot ...As promised, all actual poker play details deleted...but note the power of The Hoy, and SdotWrx's rock solid cool now begins to crumble...had abweber simply followed my lead, it would have been he who had the honor of being Hoy'd like Poi (thank you, thank you... came up with that on the spot) Heads Up.

*********** # 75 **************
Iakaris said, "beautiful...but i screwed up!" My turn for a rookie cookie, slack-jawed, navel lint/toe jam smelling bundoggy jumbo drop...
SDotWrx said, "i can't catch a break....nice hand" Doesn't sound too bad after getting 3-outered, but this guy played the entire 6 levels without the hint of a whine. One Hoy later, my man is rethinking his life choices and possibly his sexual orientation...FEAR THE HOY!
Iakaris said, "i got your result screenshot...and lost the Hoy!"Man, even now, my despair, my sense of inconsolable loss is as poignant as it was those many lonely hours ago...
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And there you have it friends. That has got to be the first time a non-blogging poker player ever:

A) Heard of The Hoy
B) Employed the Hoy (albiet imperfectly)
C) Delivered a vicious dominated beat with The Hoy

Sure it took me the better part of the day to chronicle this event. But twenty years from now, when the Hoy is routinely inflicted on unsuspecting online tilt monkeys [sons & daughters of Matusow, Hellmuth and Sheikhan - you are all offically on notice], and I am remembered as Hoyazo's Edwin Spencer (aka Darwin's Bulldog and not Princess Di's dad) it will all have been worth it.

Okay, gotta go. I too feel the call of the warrior calling me to battle. And my coffee is ready.